Friday night…home, alone...beer & pizza. I have a few offers to go out with friends but I’m content to be in, sort of. I just broke up with a guy I had been seeing for several months. Yeah, of course he was a dick but I see where I was to blame in how it ended. Not that it ended, but how it ended. I’m disappointed and a little sad but not crushed.

I am still on my journey, not to find the perfect man but to find me. I didn’t think I was looking for me before but I am. I can tell because as each one of my dating experiences crashed and burned, I learned something, not til now but better late than never.

The Trucker – well, he was my awaking. He brought up feelings I didn’t know I had left in me. He made me feel sexy, desired, wonderful and alive. He didn’t have any follow through but I will always be grateful to him for waking ‘her’ up. We are still friends but I have no expectations of anything more with him. He flirts, we play but that’s all the further it will ever go.That’s ok. He sent me flowers a few weeks ago. Yunno, a girl really should get flowers, for no reason other than she oughta get some flowers.

The Farmer – in some ways he’s the one that got away. He was my first, on my own, dating. No one fixed me up with him. I found him ALL on my own, but it was MUCH too soon. I see that now. I had gone through 10 years of being ignored. I really didn’t know how to react to his attention. I was very awkward and stilted. He was adorable, a Peter Pan but adorable. I will forever be grateful to him for breaking my 10 year dry spell and getting me out there again. Kinda wish I could run into him again now. I think I’d be more like the kind of women he’d like to have. But again, why pine, he’s a Peter Pan. Married twice, no relationship past six years, he’s not the one, but he was a lot of fun.

The Machinist – Oh his eyes…he had a way of staring at me SO intently, I melted, JUST melted. I vowed that because I was kinda stilted with the Farmer, I’d be more expressive with this one. Yeah, it crashed and burned, well, he had some gals on the side so this one wasn’t entirely my fault. I don’t share my toys but again, OH it was FUN while it lasted.

The Milkman – this one appeared to have potential. While he was NOT my type at all, I decided to give it a go. I kept hearing, “He’s SUCH a nice guy.” I thought, ok, I’ll try this. Yeah, he wasn’t really a nice guy. He was bossy, controlling, WHINEY and selfish. What appeared to be kindness and giving was really a way to control. I didn’t have bells & whistles when I was with him but I was so comfortable around him in the beginning. This one lasted 10 months but ended in flames. The flames WERE my fault. I should have addressed my concerns instead of letting them all build up. I didn’t, and in a moment of stress, I exploded. He is rather unforgiving so he never accepted my apology so it’s over. I did just start a new job and my son is going through chemo so I didn’t ‘take’ things in my usual stride. That’s not the point. I SHOULD have spoken up sooner. I shouldn’t have let them build. Could this have been saved? We’ll never know but I can’t say that the whole 10 months was a waste of time.

So the teacher in me wants to recap. I am alive. I have been awaken from a long slumber. I have learned to be more expressive and not so reserved. I know how to respond like a real girlfriend. (that sounded dirty, oh, well, lol) I will be more careful, not so trusting right off the bat but I will speak up when I don’t like something. I would like to be with someone. I miss having someone waiting to hear about my day. I miss that. I miss phone calls & texts throughout the day. Just knowing someone was thinking of me felt wonderful.  I do want flowers, but mostly on days that there is no reason to have flowers other than he’s thinking about me. Oh, and I want bells & whistles. I think there’s something to that after all. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiBNjWrd1Nk