Today will be the only time I will ‘honor‘ this day by acknowledging. It’s not a day to celebrate, just to give a nod to, and that is all I am going to do. My divorce was final a year ago today. I was very stressed, not so much at the ending of a 25+ union, 22 of those years married, but because I acted as my own lawyer, filing all the court papers. I was more stressed I was doing that wrong, then the new direction I was heading in. I remember the day well; no one else was in the courtroom. The judge asked me to speak up. He asked me questions about the property division and asked me if I was sure. He asked me a few more questions. Then it was done. When I went to the clerk and filed the final papers, she said, “Congratulations, you’re a lawyer!” I don’t remember what I did with the rest of my day. I am pretty sure I took the day off from work. I truly don’t remember.
The next few weeks were spent packing, hauling and moving in. The first week the house was quiet. I played the radio a lot to have noise in the house. Then as work stress became worse, I embraced the beautiful silence at the end of my work day. Took me a while to realize I didn't have to come right home after work. I didn't have to have dinner on the table by 6:00 and frankly, I could have a bowl of cereal for dinner if I wanted to. Some nights I did.
2012 held such promise or so I thought. The year started with one low blow after another until finally the sucker punch of losing my dad. Still the bad kept coming with the abuse from management becoming so unbearable, I quit my job. I felt I had no other choice. Just when I found a job for the summer, my brother died. The loss was hard to process with how complicated his ending was, all the drama.
Still I pressed on. What else is there to do? So many changes in my life in just one year, nothing turned out as I expected it to. Had my heart cracked a few times but hey, at least it wasn't completely broken, right? It’s hard to explain but even though I have suffered so much loss in the past year, I am living alone and trying to support myself on half the pay I had this time last year, it’s still all good. Not trying to show a stiff upper lip, I truly can say, I’m ok. I feel SO at peace with the changes that needed to happen and I’m coming to terms with the changes that were forced upon me. I am worried about some things but not losing sleep over them. I am hopeful, no cliche attached, just hopeful. I am at peace. I am taking one day at a time and rolling with the punches. I've adjusted my bucket list. Some things that were important last year, didn't make the list this year. Some things got crossed off as done. New things got penciled in.
I heard a Pink song on the radio yesterday. (yeah, someone at work changed the channel, lol) IF I had heard this song, this time last year, it would have been my “divorce song.” The first divorce I used to blare Phil Collins, “I Don’t Care Anymore.”( Helped me through my cranky days, lol) She sings naughty words, lol. I apologize in advance BUT I have to add that when you break up with someone you want to shout and swear some days. Today I don’t need to shout or swear. I’m just gonna chill, in my very quiet little house.
…I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I won't breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the wise, will be crystal clear …
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