One of my friends posted a picture and cute lil' quote about dreams,
"If you don't build your dream, someone will hire you to build theirs." Tony Gaskins
To which I quipped, "Great, I need a new job."
Then she posted how she had a dream for 25 years and finally realized it. That it is possible.
To which I replied, "Happy for ya but it doesn't always work out that way, at least not for me."
Then I had to stop and think, what is my dream? I...don't..think..I currently have one??? My wish list is filled with debt and paying off debt, surviving living alone, financially. Well, that's not a dream.
For years I was plotting getting out of this marriage, moving on. Well, I'm out, now what am I plotting? Nothing. I'm surviving, well at least trying to. I have wanted to get out of teaching for some time. I have halfheartedly applied for different jobs, on and off for the past two years. No surprise nothing came of that effort. For the past 6 months I put a little more effort into it, still nothing. For the past two months I put a lot of effort into it. I haven't even gotten an interview. In two months I will be on summer break, with no pay. I have NOTHING saved up and no car. I also have NO plan. I am trying not to freak out but I'm getting scared. Still, needing and wanting a new job is not a dream. In fact, the job I want and am seeking isn't a dream, it's an end to a means. I don't want a dream job, I want a job I can survive on. That's not a dream, that's reality. So where is my dream?
I dreamed of owning a farm. I dreamed of owning farm animals, working the land, making my own food and becoming less dependent on someone else for my food. I almost had it, on my wee acre. I loved owning my animals, caring for my animals, living an abbreviated version of my farm dream. That dream was tainted by living with a man who didn't love me. A marriage with no intimacy, no affection and no friendship. When I planned on escaping that, I hadn't planned on walking away on my partial dream life. I'm adjusting. Today on my last day of spring break, I have been online desperately seeking a job. I have five dollars to my name, to last me until Friday, payday. I have 3/4 of a tank of gas, pheew, but not so much to eat here. I won't starve but my Friday paycheck is spent already. I have rent due, my electric, gas - again, and what is left is for food. Nothing for a haircut, new clothes, socializing, or adding to my new home. And so it has gone for last six months. I'm driving a vehicle I borrowed from my mom in January. She wants it back. I have nothing in savings, nothing. I have no credit, no way to get a vehicle. Jesus, I'm 50 years old with two college degrees, how the hell did I get here?? Where do I want to go? I am very bothered about my financial situation but more bothered by the fact that right now, I have no dream.
I've always been a dreamer, a daydreamer, it was always a great escape for me. I've never been dreamless. I dreamed myself out of a trouble childhood, adored by my daddy, despised by my mother. I dreamed of 'something more' when I was in a marriage based on a shotgun wedding when I was 20 years old. I dreamed of growing old with the man I adored while I was a single parent. I dreamed of farming and sustainable living when the man I adored turned into a stranger. Then I dreamed of my escape. I'm out, is that why there is no dream right now and only wishes? Has the part of my heart that has grown numb to the thought of love also snuffed out the fire in me that allowed me to dream? Or just like running out of love, have I used up all my dreams?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87o9EpJYN_Y
My mother always insisted on her and my dad to have a "plan" after retirement. It worked well for them. Through my illness, I see that "the plans of mice and men often go astray". However, I still believe in a plan, a dream, a space to move into next. I am in that very process myself, redefining who I am, what I want out of life and where I want to be in the next year, five years, etc. It's good to dream. It's great to pick up the broken pieces of any dream that broke and find a newer, more beautiful image to gaze upon.
ReplyDeleteWe never use up our dreams. They are seeds, waiting to be watered and tended to again.
I believe in you, your dreams and in the possibility that is right around the corner for both of us.
A wonderful write, "B".
Thank you, Michelle. Re-reading these last few posts 'with you' in succession I do see I am on a journey. Not being a very patient person, I am getting frustrated. I used to be the kinda person that would cheat, read the back of the book when I couldn't take it anymore, needed to know what is next. I realized that when I read Alice Hoffman, I refrain from peeking, from cheating. I thought that was because I learned some self control but I am beginning to think it's because I'm just a little afraid of what lies ahead. 2012 hasn't been so good for me. If I peek ahead, I might not be able to go forward with my chin up. You are wiser than me so I will hold tight to the hope that you are right, better days are ahead and dreams will come, again.
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