Breathing

I just finished a book that has me awash with emotions, mostly I'm profoundly sad. I always feel that way when I finish a book where I have fallen in love with the characters. I love this author but this book felt so dark. How does someone do that, write with words saying one thing but somehow setting up an emotion that you can feel on every page? I am in awe of that talent.

As usual, when I am sad, I feel sad for everything. Things come flooding over me that I chose not to deal with and sometimes, like tonight, things come over me I didn't know I wasn't dealing with. Love or being in love, or rather not being in love? Actually, I guess the feeling is not really empty but void, does that make sense? I'm wondering WHY I'm not in in love right now. I have two men, skirting about the fringes of my heart, like bees seeking out nectar from a flower but there's none there. The petals are open but the flower is empty, nothing to gather up. I wonder why? I am wondering if it's at all possible that there's simply no more nectar? It's not that I am closed off or guarded but just 'out of love.' I was madly, madly in love with my husband when we were dating. I adored him, worshiped the ground he walked on. He was my crush. I had never fell so  hard for a guy and thought it was mutual. But in the last ten years, decided he loved that I loved him but he didn't love me. He tried, to his credit, I think he wanted to love me and loved me 'in a way' but not in love with me. I think I used up all my love on him.

I know folks who say they have had a great love, say they will never fall in love again but I feel like love has drained out of me. Is that possible? I can't even work up a good infatuation. That's sad because from what I remember, it's great fun to be in love. All those tummy wriggling feelings when you see him, when you think of him, to those deep I'd take a bullet for him feelings. I can't even feel THOSE when I think back on how much I loved him. I can't even feel what it felt like. I'm sad not because I don't think I'll ever love again but because I don't seem to care that I will never love again. Love IS such a splendid thing, really, everyone should have it but why not me. I have it in my head or is it my heart, that I had that love, used it all up and can't do that ever again.

I want to be sensible and think well maybe I am afraid of being hurt again. Maybe it's a trust thing. I only need some time. The truth is, even though I have 'only' been divorced since September, the marriage was over years and years before that. I mourned all that, went through all that while I was still married. I should be at a place where my heart is open, and well, it is, but it's like a gate to a forgotten garden, left open, swinging a bit, open but not inviting. That makes me sad. IF someone told me this about them, I would be sad for them. Yet I am sad because I'm not sad. Boy am I messed up. I need a dog. Maybe loving at pet again will soften the ground in that old garden. Maybe a dog can help furrow the over grown soil and bring the garden back to life.Dogs like to dig yunno  I guess I am more hung up on the fact that I got this from a book of fiction, not at all about someone being divorced and empty but a totally unrelated story to my life, yet it stirred this up. I should be sleeping, tomorrow is gonna suck yet I lay in bed with all this bubbling in me and felt commanded to write it down. I have never felt that before, a strong urge to write something, like I had to get it out of my body. I don't fancy myself a poet or a writer or even a storyteller. Not my goal in life, come to think of it, not even sure what my goal IS in life anymore. Holy Hannah, pretty sure I need to write the author and thank her for touching me so deep in my soul.

I'm hoping now that this has spilled out, I will be able to get some sleep. I have to be up in less than 5 hours, not cool, I'd never make an author, lol, if this is what happens to you, words build up in you like bad fish and have to come out, lol. Ok, that's not poetic that's gross, let's try words bubble up inside you and beg to burst free, hmm, that sounds like gas. I feel like if I had someone to talk to right now, feathers would come out of my mouth, form a bird and fly away. Ugh, maybe I have too many poetic friends at the moment, they are a bad influence on me with their deep thoughts, insightful words and correct grammar, ha ha ha. I'll  never be accused of that! Ah, not feeling so dark now, maybe there is something to this journaling....maybe now I will sleep, restfully. Maybe tonight I will dream again. I miss my dreams.