New Year, New Beginnings....

Today, I turned 50. I didn't feel any different when I got up, except I wanted to do SOMETHING, something to make the 'transition.'

September of 2011 I divorced a man I had been with for 25 years, 21 of those married. Details of why I ended it are not important. I needed to for health reasons, mental health. See, I married my crush. Don't do that, don't EVER do that. If you put someone on a pedestal, they have no where to go but down. It won't be pretty when they fall, it never is. I went through years of being angry, being disappointed and then being very, very sad and suddenlty, I disappeared. What I recognize now, being on my own for a few months is that I had tried to be someone he could love instead of being me and being someone he would love. MY mistake. It wasn't a conscious decision, it was an unconscious act by a person who didn't value themself. I was young, I was in love, I was wrong. While he still deserves a slap in the head, I deserve two. Lesson learned.

I expected this year, this birthday, this Christmas, this moment to be different. Damn those expectations. “If you expect nothing, you can never be disappointed." Sounds simplistic, sounds a littel bitter, but I started to be disappointed today. I have just started to have a life again. I have friends that I am going out with, I met a guy, I was KINDA expecting to do something with them. Well, no, now that you ask, I did NOT share this expectation with them, just - expected it. Having a birthday two days before Christmas has ALWAYS cramped my social life. Either people are doing last minute things for the holiday or family holiday things, I know this but.....I thought THIS year would be different. I started to be sad that I had nothing to do. I started to slide into a 'lil pity party because here I was turning 50 and had nothing to do to celebrate it.

Then I realized, ok, yeah, sucks being alone on a birthday, especially an '0' birthday, But I look at where I was last year at this time, no hope...trapped....very, very sad and empty. Baby steps...but forward motion all the same.

This summer I had to give up my sheep, my rabbits, my chickens and my dogs. I have held onto my horse, for now, boarding her at a friends. I gave up my wee acre, my raspberry bushes, my strawberry plants, my wee little vegetable garden. Gave up my farm fresh eggs (that I was trading for fresh raw cows milk) gave up my plans of learning how to spin my own wool and my dream of sustainable living on one wee acre. That was hard to walk away from. I left my home in the country and moved into my own place, in the city. A very tiny, tiny house but MY own. I have never lived on my own, ever. Since I was 19 I have never NOT been with a guy. This birthday IS different, this Christmas IS different, this year is ending MUCH different than last year and OMG next year will start much differently than this year did. I don't really have any resolutions?? Someone asked me about my bucket list, I had one this time last year, dreams of what I would do before I die, but today, there is no sense of urgency. Could be I am at peace with my life, myself?

I started this blog to chronicle my attempts to start spinning and stepping up my homesteading to become more self sufficient. That is still a dream of  mine but instead of mourning what I have lost, I take joy in what I had. For 10 years, I had a small hobby farm. I hatched chicks, I grew and preserved my own food. I dug in the dirt and made life! I built fires, learned how to compost and explored the realm of farming. I LIKED it, ALL of it. I miss it but I know it will be a part of my life again.

SO, with the new year approaching, with my '0' birthday coming to a close, I take this blog into a new direction. Let's see how 'I' grow over this next year. Let's see how I make my dreams happen. Let's see how I embrace this new life, making the best of city living. Let's see how this country girl drags county back into town, kicking & screaming all the way. Let's see if I stay here...because the world is MINE now. I can do anything. I currently teach preschool and live in the city but..I could pack it all up and move to Burma. I could backpack around Europe for a year. I could finally learn how to play guitar, take voice lessons.

So tonight, just feels like any other bored Friday night. All my friends are busy. But each one made a point of saying Happy Birthday to me today. I will be joining several of my dearest ones tomorrow, for a holiday dinner. I will have my grown children joining me on Christmas day. I truly am at peace with today. 50 didn't hurt as much as 30, its just harder to say :-)

And just for the record, chocolate cake goes splenid with Muscato! Just sayin'