Tomorrow is New Years Eve. 2011 will be a thing of the past. I will shake it off and move on....now what?
Really, NOW what?? What am I looking for? Am I looking for anything?? Do I want a relationship? Do I need to change careers? What's my next step? Do I have to have a next step right now?
So I spent a few days with a guy I have been seeing for a month. This is the first I have been dating as a grown up. NOT sure what I am supposed to be looking for or what all the rules are. I am not sure I am giving him the feedback he's looking for. I am guarded. While I thought I was just being mature, careful and wise...I think I am simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually its gonna drop, right?
Oh snap, there I am with expectations again. I expect the other shoe to drop so I act accordingly. I expect there are supposed to be fireworks and bells and roses and little bluebirds singing around my head when I spend time with him. There's not BUT I enjoy my time around him. He is strong, smart, funny and adorable, where's the bells?? Where's the butterflies in my stomach? Do you not get those as a grown up? Did I have my one fireworks and bells relationship? What about feeling safe, comfortable, relaxed, enjoying my time? It's nice to be around him. I look forward to seeing him. That's something to build on right? There's not rush to be a label - boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance', roommate....just enjoy the now.
Sounded real good until....someone else, someone who used to be in the picture, started emailing me again. I found I was thinking about him. Oh, crap....great, now what? I don't think this guy is good for me, he hurt me and he walked away when I needed him. So why? WHY do I think about him?? Am I self destructive?? Stupid fireworks.....
ACK...really, what is that sound Snoopy makes when he is disgusted or upset?? I am trying to make that sound right now. I am not 26, I need to pull my head out of the clouds. In the movies, the girls ALWAYS walk away from the great guy, leaving him behind, to run to the guy that makes their head spin. The movies don't show what its like to live with THAT guy. They never show the girl saying, "Well, yunno, he makes my heart go pitter pat but really, there has to be more. I'm not gonna throw my world away for a racing heart." I think they need to show that more. Now THAT would be a reality show.
Hmmm, my life IS a reality show. So, really, I don't have to make a decision today. NEITHER guy has laid 'claim' to me. Both have pretty much left me hanging, wondering what our status is. It's just those dang expectations...they keep nawing at me...tormenting me, blurring my vision.
Never expect,
Never assume,
Never ask and never demand.
Just let it be.
Because if its meant to be, it will happen,
The way you want things to be.
But I do have to have some input, right? I mean, I need to express SOME of this to at least ONE of the guys, right. I can't just totally just let this happen to me. I need to be putting something into this - you reap what you sow and if I don't sow anything....
So 2012, what have you got up your sleeves for me? Will I soar this year or still be grounded? Will I take flight or stall? Is there something I am doing to prevent flight? Will I just keep a holding pattern or try a few loop de loops?
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