The Cusp.....now what?

Ok, what is it about Friday nights and NEVER having anything to do?? Just hangin' out with some chilled Muscato...and thinking.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. 2011 will be a thing of the past. I will shake it off and move on....now what?

Really, NOW what?? What am I looking for? Am I looking for anything?? Do I want a relationship? Do I need to change careers? What's my next step? Do I have to have a next step right now?

So I spent a few days with a guy I have been seeing for a month. This is the first I have been dating as a grown up. NOT sure what I am supposed to be looking for or what all the rules are. I am not sure I am giving him the feedback he's looking for. I am guarded. While I thought I was just being mature, careful and wise...I think I am simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually its gonna drop, right?

Oh snap, there I am with expectations again. I expect the other shoe to drop so I act accordingly. I expect there are supposed to be fireworks and bells and roses and little bluebirds singing around my head when I spend time with him. There's not BUT I enjoy my time around him. He is strong, smart, funny and adorable, where's the bells?? Where's the butterflies in my stomach? Do you not get those as a grown up? Did I have my one fireworks and bells relationship? What about feeling safe, comfortable, relaxed, enjoying my time? It's nice to be around him. I look forward to seeing him. That's something to build on right? There's not rush to be a label - boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance', roommate....just enjoy the now.

Sounded real good until....someone else, someone who used to be in the picture, started emailing me again. I found I was thinking about him. Oh, crap....great, now what? I don't think this guy is good for me, he hurt me and he walked away when I needed him. So why? WHY do I think about him?? Am I self destructive?? Stupid fireworks.....

ACK...really, what is that sound Snoopy makes when he is disgusted or upset?? I am trying to make that sound right now. I am not 26, I need to pull my head out of the clouds. In the movies, the girls ALWAYS walk away from the great guy, leaving him behind, to run to the guy that makes their head spin. The movies don't show what its like to live with THAT guy. They never show the girl saying, "Well, yunno, he makes my heart go pitter pat but really, there has to be more. I'm not gonna throw my world away for a racing heart." I think they need to show that more. Now THAT would be a reality show.

Hmmm, my life IS a reality show. So, really, I don't have to make a decision today. NEITHER guy has laid 'claim' to me. Both have pretty much left me hanging, wondering what our status is. It's just those dang expectations...they keep nawing at me...tormenting me, blurring my vision.

Never expect,

Never assume,

Never ask and never demand.

Just let it be.

Because if its meant to be, it will happen,

The way you want things to be.

But I do have to have some input, right? I mean, I need to express SOME of this to at least ONE of the guys, right. I can't just totally just let this happen to me. I need to be putting something into this - you reap what you sow and if I don't sow anything....

So 2012, what have you got up your sleeves for me? Will I soar this year or still be grounded? Will I take flight or stall? Is there something I am doing to prevent flight? Will I just keep a holding pattern or try a few loop de loops?

Now what?

New Year, New Beginnings....

Today, I turned 50. I didn't feel any different when I got up, except I wanted to do SOMETHING, something to make the 'transition.'

September of 2011 I divorced a man I had been with for 25 years, 21 of those married. Details of why I ended it are not important. I needed to for health reasons, mental health. See, I married my crush. Don't do that, don't EVER do that. If you put someone on a pedestal, they have no where to go but down. It won't be pretty when they fall, it never is. I went through years of being angry, being disappointed and then being very, very sad and suddenlty, I disappeared. What I recognize now, being on my own for a few months is that I had tried to be someone he could love instead of being me and being someone he would love. MY mistake. It wasn't a conscious decision, it was an unconscious act by a person who didn't value themself. I was young, I was in love, I was wrong. While he still deserves a slap in the head, I deserve two. Lesson learned.

I expected this year, this birthday, this Christmas, this moment to be different. Damn those expectations. “If you expect nothing, you can never be disappointed." Sounds simplistic, sounds a littel bitter, but I started to be disappointed today. I have just started to have a life again. I have friends that I am going out with, I met a guy, I was KINDA expecting to do something with them. Well, no, now that you ask, I did NOT share this expectation with them, just - expected it. Having a birthday two days before Christmas has ALWAYS cramped my social life. Either people are doing last minute things for the holiday or family holiday things, I know this but.....I thought THIS year would be different. I started to be sad that I had nothing to do. I started to slide into a 'lil pity party because here I was turning 50 and had nothing to do to celebrate it.

Then I realized, ok, yeah, sucks being alone on a birthday, especially an '0' birthday, But I look at where I was last year at this time, no hope...trapped....very, very sad and empty. Baby steps...but forward motion all the same.

This summer I had to give up my sheep, my rabbits, my chickens and my dogs. I have held onto my horse, for now, boarding her at a friends. I gave up my wee acre, my raspberry bushes, my strawberry plants, my wee little vegetable garden. Gave up my farm fresh eggs (that I was trading for fresh raw cows milk) gave up my plans of learning how to spin my own wool and my dream of sustainable living on one wee acre. That was hard to walk away from. I left my home in the country and moved into my own place, in the city. A very tiny, tiny house but MY own. I have never lived on my own, ever. Since I was 19 I have never NOT been with a guy. This birthday IS different, this Christmas IS different, this year is ending MUCH different than last year and OMG next year will start much differently than this year did. I don't really have any resolutions?? Someone asked me about my bucket list, I had one this time last year, dreams of what I would do before I die, but today, there is no sense of urgency. Could be I am at peace with my life, myself?

I started this blog to chronicle my attempts to start spinning and stepping up my homesteading to become more self sufficient. That is still a dream of  mine but instead of mourning what I have lost, I take joy in what I had. For 10 years, I had a small hobby farm. I hatched chicks, I grew and preserved my own food. I dug in the dirt and made life! I built fires, learned how to compost and explored the realm of farming. I LIKED it, ALL of it. I miss it but I know it will be a part of my life again.

SO, with the new year approaching, with my '0' birthday coming to a close, I take this blog into a new direction. Let's see how 'I' grow over this next year. Let's see how I make my dreams happen. Let's see how I embrace this new life, making the best of city living. Let's see how this country girl drags county back into town, kicking & screaming all the way. Let's see if I stay here...because the world is MINE now. I can do anything. I currently teach preschool and live in the city but..I could pack it all up and move to Burma. I could backpack around Europe for a year. I could finally learn how to play guitar, take voice lessons.

So tonight, just feels like any other bored Friday night. All my friends are busy. But each one made a point of saying Happy Birthday to me today. I will be joining several of my dearest ones tomorrow, for a holiday dinner. I will have my grown children joining me on Christmas day. I truly am at peace with today. 50 didn't hurt as much as 30, its just harder to say :-)

And just for the record, chocolate cake goes splenid with Muscato! Just sayin'