The Blatz Nativity

Six kids left unsupervised got into a lot of trouble. Except Sharon, Sharon NEVER broke the rules. She was the good kid. I always say that Sharon was like Marilyn on the Munsters, she didn’t fit in, not with all of us trouble makers. She never did ANYTHING wrong. She wasn’t like the rest of us.

We were country kids and we were known for our parties. This started with Mike and John. They had jobs, which was their excuse for not going camping. Then they would throw parties. We would come home and the neighbors would tattle on them.

One year, after Sharon and John had both gotten married and left home, Michael had the end all, be all party at the Sermon house. My parents and the ‘three little kids’ went camping for two weeks. We drove our pickup truck up through the U.P., through Wisconsin to see family in Minnesota. It was a great trip and I have wonderful memories of that time. However, that camping trip was punctuated by what we came home to. We pulled into the yard, very tired and ready to get unpacked. There was ‘debris’ all over the yard. Bottles and cans were everywhere. The grass had been flattened by car tires. We had a habit of having keggers in the back. Folks would drive their cars out back and blare their radios. Michael greeted us at the back door. He was chattering on about how tired we must be and how HUNGRY we must be. Wouldn’t we like to head over to the Texan for a bit to eat. Dad was giving him the parental skunk eye. Then Michael added he needed a few minutes to tidy up the place. Dad shot a look to my mother and then told the three of us to “Stay here!” He stomped into the house.

We heard loud voices, then yelling and then we heard slamming doors. My mother was muttering something about Michael being a fool and “I don’t know WHAT your father is going to do!” At that, Mark, David & I shot into the house. Michael was somewhat of a hero to us. He was older, a drama major and VERY popular in school. But he drove my father to the edge and the only times I ever truly saw my father angry was usually AT Michael. We felt if we could plead his case to our father, he would let Michael live.

Coming up the back entrance step we saw many more empty bottles but what we saw in the kitchen has gone down in family history. There were liquor bottles EVERYWHERE! It looked like a bar. Empty ones, half empty ones, broken ones, there was even the game “Passout” spread out across the table. Cigarette butts were in bottles, in the sink, on the counter and smashed out on the floor. My parents didn’t smoke or drink. We were Baptist; there were rules about that sort of thing. We didn’t see dad or Michael. The boys went upstairs to see their room. My room was downstairs. I had a double bed that Sharon and I used to share. I was in this aquarium phase which my father had indulged me in. I had about eight tanks set up in my room with a variety of tropical fish.

The first thing I noticed was my door was coming off the hinges. Then I noticed that my bed had collapsed. It used to do that when Sharon and I shared the bed. I can’t tell you how many times we had to get up in the middle of the night and put the slats back under the bed and align the mattress back on top. Sometimes we were just too tired and just slept on the slant. I hated that bed. However, I hadn’t been home so WHO had been in my bed!?? There were bottles on my floor as well. The worse thing was every single one of my fish tanks was destroyed.  The heaters had been cranked to high and literally boiled my fish. Some of them had jumped out of the boiling water to escape the heat and were stuck to my walls. There were cigarette butts and empty bottles floating in the water. I was mortified.

Mark and David came running down the stairs. Dad had ordered them out and I wasn’t allowed up. I never saw the condition of their rooms but I heard conflicting stories from my two older brothers over the years. Evidently the door was completely torn off my parent’s room and my dad found a used condom in their bed. We also heard later that Michael had a band out in the backyard and things got so rowdy that the cops were called. That was the first time Michael got kicked out of the house. The big takeaway for Mark, David and I that day, wasn’t not ever to have big parties when the parents were gone; it was clean up immediately AFTER your parties, no matter what.

Over the years, Mark, David and I were also known for our keggers out back. No matter how late it was or how stumbling over drunk we were, the three of us cleaned the house spotless before bed.  The year my grandmother died, my parents took Mark and David to Alabama to collect her things. I couldn’t go because I had been sick so I had too many absences at school to take time off, or so I told my parents. I didn’t want to go. I wanted the house to myself. They took off with the boys over Christmas break and weren’t coming back until a few days after school started up again. The tree was still up and all our Christmas decorations. I was used to having outside parties with just a few people inside. This was to be my first inside party. I was excited.

I had about 30 to 40 people over. I made it B.Y.O.B and had the smokers smoke outside, putting their butts out in a coffee can. I was being oh so careful. I felt very grown up and very clever.  Just like I had done over the years, even though they were in Alabama, I cleaned the house before I went to bed. The next day, I cleaned it again, dusting, vacuuming, the whole nine yards. 

Eventually the folks came home. I greeted them at the door with a big ole smile and smugly quoted Michael, “I bet you’re tired and hungry. Why don’t you head over to the Texan for a bit to eat? That will give me a few minutes to tidy up the place.” My dad shot me a look that told me he failed to see the humor in that but I did see both my parents scanning the spotless room.  Mark and David were helping dad bring in the bags and my mom was still standing near the entrance to the living room. I was standing near an old desk, near the front door, that had belonged to my grandmother. On top of this desk was my mother’s prized nativity set from Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland in Frankenmuth. My dad had built her a stable to put the pieces in. He had taken shredded wheat and placed it about the stable to represent hay, even though they didn’t have hay balers in Biblical times. Each piece was about six inches tall. The whole set cost my parents over $200.00. As my mother was recounting their trip, I happened to glance down at the nativity scene. What I saw chilled my blood. 

My heart literally stopped beating. The entire 19 years of my wasted life, flashed before my eyes. It was horrific! On top of the head of each wiseman, of each shepherd, of Joseph, Mary and even the baby Jesus was a carefully balanced beer cap! I had to tear my gaze away to be sure my mom hadn’t seen it. She was still talking and finally headed over to the stack of mail and newspapers on the coffee table.

I quickly snatched off about three beer caps and put them into my pocket before she looked up. The boys and my dad came in with another load. I calmly stood there chatting with them. I couldn’t leave my post. Once they left for another load, I had to wait until my mom walked into the kitchen. I snatched off another three or four more beer caps. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. I was sweating now. I had to get them all before someone, anyone noticed. If one of the boys noticed, they would have squealed in delight and I would be found out. If mom noticed, I could be thrown out just like Michael. IF dad noticed, he wouldn’t have said anything to my mom but he would have blackmailed me with it later, making me listen to Ray Stevens’ songs or some other horrid payback. Every time the room was clear, I shot over to the nativity to snatch a beer cap until they were all gone. Once they were all gone, I had a pocketful of beer caps and a very guilty conscious. 

BIG Fish

I loved to go snorkeling with my dad. I’m not sure, why out of all six, I was the one to go with him but I suspect it was the timing of his life. My parents had three children, took a six year break and then had three more. I was the oldest of the last three. By the time dad and I started to go snorkeling, the two oldest had moved out of the house and my brother Michael was usually either gone or kicked out but he certainly never went camping with us at this point. The younger two were too young and well, I guess I was just the right age and the right time.

When dad and I went snorkeling, we went arm and arm. We both wore flippers. His were green and shaped very much like a frog’s foot. They were ancient. Mine were blue ones that he picked up for me at the local Yankee’s Store.

Our first time snorkeling was up to his friend, Harry’s, cabin. Harry and his brother-in-law, Pinkie, shared a cabin on Loon Lake. While dad was friends with Pinkie as well, we never went up there with Pinkie, only Harry. The cabin was up a slight hill and your basic Michigan cabin on a small lake. It wasn’t glamorous and nothing special. I do remember it was an A-Frame and the first time I had ever been in an A-Frame. Dad, Harry and I had been out on the lake early in the morning, fishing. Loon Lake was a small man-made lake but it was in a heavily wooded, lovely area. I have no idea where this lake was. There are several Loon Lakes on our Michigan map. All I remember is it was up north.

Dad didn’t do much explaining before we headed out snorkeling. The lake was small enough that he did mention we could probably go all the way around. I don’t remember if we did nor not. I had swam in mask before so I knew the process of keeping them clear. I had even played a bit with a snorkel before so both dad and I figured I knew the ropes.

So we started out, arm and arm. They lake was spring fed and very clear. It was amazing to zip through schools of fish that would simply split and go around you. We saw a huge snapping turtle that was too lazy to move when we went by. Maybe he thought we didn’t see him tucked in under that sunken log. Dad would gestured to something and point. We communicated by a natural sign language. One we made up on the spot because we knew each other so well. Every once in a while, dad would stop and we would come up for air. He would ask me how I was doing or tell me the name of the fish we had seen. One time he stopped because we both got the giggles because we thought of the same thing at the same time. Going arm and arm, we both started thinking of a bride and groom, walking down the aisle.

We were coming around the north end of the lake. Then dad saw this MASSIVE fish. He was huge. Well over a foot in a half long. I have NO idea what he was, a trout maybe?? Anyway, dad took us diving down towards it. However, dad failed to signal me what he was doing. Dad had also failed to explain to me that when you dive, you take a big gulp of air so you can have full lungs and can clear your snorkel when you come up. I sucked in a ton of water. I was not comfortable as we went down deeper. I started tapping dad’s arm but he was focused on the fish. My dad was a big guy, 6’3” and about 225. He had his huge arm bent so I was locked in. NOW I was getting very uncomfortable because I needed to breathe and I was starting to choke on the water. I was REALLY thumping his arm trying to get him to let me go. All at once he turned to me. He didn’t turn because he remembered he pulled me under. He didn’t turn because he felt my thumping him arm. He turned all excited to see if I saw the big fish too. The minute he saw me thrashing, he knew what he did AND being my dad, started laughing under water. He was trying to get me to the surface but he was buckling over in laughter, under water. We went towards shore but I couldn’t stand up because the ground in this area was not stable, common with man-made lakes and clay shorelines.  When we broke the surface, I flipped to my back to stay afloat and gasped, turning to my side to cough out the water. He was STILL laughing, saying he was sorry and did you see it all at the same time. I LOVED my dad. I adored my dad. At that moment, I forgot that. I glared at him. “You almost killed me!!” My dad burst into laughter again, “I KNOW!!”

We eventually went on with our journey around the lake but that moment marked our snorkeling from then on. Just before we would start out on a dive, no matter how long it had been, I would always remind him to TELL me before he decided to dive after a fish. Sometimes, when we were arm and arm under water, we would see a big fish and I would quickly dart my eyes to him and we would have to surface because he was laughing again.

Simba

We had several small boats when I was growing up. Dad loved the water. One of our first was a small wooden boat. It had two openings, a front area for two adult passengers and a back area for two adult passengers. It was so small it had oars along the sides. It had no steering wheel but was turned by the direction of the motor. My mother hated the water. She was actually scared of it. She rarely went out in our boats and she never went out on this one.

All our stiff, smelly orange life preservers were tucked in under the bow. Dad never wore one but he made sure that Mark, David and I did. One time we went fishing with my dad and his friend, Roger. It was a small boat so we never went far out in the Bay but fished just out of the river. Around the corner from the mouth of the Bay, is the Consumers Energy plant, where dad and Roger both worked. Consumers used to release steam from the power plant into an area known as the ‘hot beds.’ EVERYONE liked to fish in the hot beds or near them because the fish LOVED the hot beds. The area was a bit like a cove. You were only out on the Bay for about ¼ mile to get into the hot beds.

This particular day the Perch were biting like crazy. A storm was coming and for some reason the fish were plentiful. None of us were watching the sky when suddenly the air turned and the sky went black as pitch. A summer squall! A summer squall and we were on the water, this would be bad very bad. Roger told my dad we better head in. Dad wasn’t worried because the waters in the hot bed weren’t rocking much and the rain hadn’t started yet. Once he turned the boat out to the Bay, that all changed. That was when he realized that there was a huge storm and we were in it. We only had to go ¼ mile on the Bay to get to the river and then less than a mile to get to the boat launch but we weren’t going anywhere.

They wind had come up and the rains came down. The waves were over 8’ and our boat was being tossed about like a toy in the bathtub. Dad ordered all three of us into the bow, down where the jackets were stored. Roger put on a life jacket. We were crying because dad wouldn’t put one on. Actually, he couldn’t because none of them fit him. For 20 minutes we tried to get to the mouth of the river. We were very close to shore, which made the danger a bit surreal. There were times that the boat was at the crest of the wave and nearly stood straight on end. We were terrified. Dad had shouted to Roger that he would drop Roger and ‘the kids’ off at Consumers, take the boat on himself and come back for us with the truck. My brother’s and I went into hysterics. There was NO way we were leaving him. Eventually, dad was able to maneuver the small boat into the river. On the river the water was choppy but nothing like it had been on the Bay.

We found the boat launch and got the boat loaded. Dad only had a small pickup so he and Roger were up in the cab; my brother’s and I were in the box of the pickup and thankful that this week, dad had the cap on the truck. It was summer but we were freezing! It was another short mile and a half to drop off Roger and then eight houses down the road to our house. Dad left the boat hooked up. Thunder and lightning were crashing about us. We just wanted in the house. Dad came around to the back of the truck and lifted the door. Before he let us out he said, “Don’t tell your mother.” 

My father’s “Don’t tell your mother” was akin to any redneck saying “Hold my beer” but dad’s comment used to come after a ‘hold my beer’ moment, not before.

Another such “Don’t tell your mother” moment came with Simba. We eventually move up to a 16’ Seacraft that my brothers and I dubbed, Simba. There was a 1970’s cartoon called, ‘Sea Lab’ and they had a pet Killer Whale named Simba. The first time we took our white aluminum boat with the green under belly out on the Bay and rode the waves, she was named.

Simba was a real boat. She had a canvas top that could be flipped down. She had a real windshield and a steering wheel. There was a small metal railing around the bow and I was allowed to sit up front, on the bow, holding the railing and ride the waves. She had a real cool CB radio and a special scanner for picking up radio stations. Fishing became a whole lot more fun on Simba. Simba could pull someone skiing but although dad tried, none of us could master the art. Instead, we were towed behind on tubes or air mattresses. We had great fun on that boat.

We got her in April of 1970 something. It was really too soon to be out on the water but dad was so anxious to try her out; we headed out one mild sunny day. It was cold enough that we were in snow boots and heavy coats. My poor dad, trying to launch a 16’ boat with three little kids, somehow we got her in the water. Dad sent me to the bow to sit up near the railing and call out when I saw logs or ice in the water. He was only going to take her to the mouth of the Bay and come back. He just couldn’t wait anymore. I was young but I realized how dangerous this was and how dangerous my position was. IF I didn’t see a log and dad hit it, I could be tossed into the freezing water. Still, I was having fun and enjoying the day.

We eventually got to the mouth and turned around. Simba was much bigger than the last boat and dad had never launched her or loaded her. Eventually and way before I had my driver’s license, it was easier for my dad to have me back the truck up until he said stop and pull it back up to park it, then to hope I could hold the boat as it slipped off the trailer. But today, he was struggling with three children and cold April weather.

The three of us held the boat where told us to while he back the truck & trailer into the water. He was on the dock and trying to line the boat up over the trailer and he kept stepping on children, well, David mostly. 

David was about six. Dad kept shouting, “Back up, dammit, David, back up.” This went on for a while until we heard a loud splunk sound. We all turned and David was gone. Dad had backed poor David up, snowmobile boots and all, right off the end of the dock. Dad took a second to realize that David had gone off the end of the dock and under water. All he said, was, “Dammit” he handed me the rope for the boat and went to the ripples. He knelt down on the dock and reached into the water. A second later, there was David’s head, popping up through the stinky, freezing Saginaw River. The minute he was above water he was screaming. No coughing or spitting, just screaming. My dad started laughing. He had David by the hair. He grabbed David’s heavy winter coat with his other hand and pulled him out of the water. David was still screaming and my dad was still laughing. Dad tossed David into the boat. Then he looked at Mark and tossed him in too. Dad stood laughing, looking at David totally soaked and screaming his head off. Then my dad stopped laughing, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell your mother."

The World's Smallest Horse

I had just finished “Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children” and then started Alice Hoffman’s “Museum of Extraordinary Things” so maybe that’s what brought the memory on but I remember going to see “The World’s Smallest Horse” with my dad and crying. 

It was summertime and they were having Sidewalk Days downtown. This meant sales for my mom and my sister but it meant rides and a carnival atmosphere for me! My sister had taken me downtown while she did some shopping. We did our usual stop, Caris Red Lion for the world’s BEST Coney dogs, a must whenever hitting downtown Bay City. 

We did the Ferris Wheel and walked around looking for bargains. Then I saw it, a sign to see “The World’s Smallest Horse.” Now I already owned a very VERY short Shetland/Welsh pony. I had been around horses all my life, drawn to them by some unseen force. As usual, because I was a good girl, I didn’t tug or pull, just stared with an aching curiosity. My sister looked over to where I was staring and simply said, “NO WAY.” There was no discussion. While she enjoyed animals, she didn’t have my bug for anything furry or fluffy and certainly was never bitten by the horse bug. 

Later that evening I quietly mentioned it to my dad. We discussed how small this horse could be since my pony was pretty short. This was the days before miniature horses and the extreme backyard breeding that brings us Teacup poodles and Walkaloosas. I didn’t ask and we did not make any plans to go see the horse. The week was winding down when my dad asked me, as usual, if I wanted to go for a bike ride. This bike ride was not on a bicycle but his motorcycle. At the time he drove this bottom of the line bike that my mom had gotten him from Sears. It was black and a VERY basic looking motorcycle for 1970 something. 

When I was very small, I sat in the front. On the gas tank were two large caps; one for the gas and one for the oil. I used to hold on to those as we rode. I was big enough now to ride on the back. I would put my arms around my dad, which was one of my favorite places in the world to be, and hold on. When I got cold, I would put my hands in his pockets. If I was lucky, I would find a Snickers bar or some Wrigley’s gum stashed away in one of those pockets. Tonight it was summertime and he didn’t have a coat on. 

It was a short ride to downtown. I had no idea where he was heading. Downtown with dad usually meant a trip to Mill End, one of his favorite local haunts or through Wenonah Park or Vet’s Park to be near the river and watch the boats. We usually drove to water, either up north or just down to the river nearby. I know that is where I get my addiction to the water was from my dad. 

He pulled up and parked very near the area where the horse was kept. He wasn’t outside. It was a small, single wide white trailer, covered with a HUGE banner, “World’s Smallest Horse” and a line of people going down the wooden porch and onto the street. Dad took my hand and headed us over. I didn’t ask, he didn’t say anything; we just joined the line, holding hands. At last we were through the door. It was warm and muggy in that trailer. It smelled of straw, hay and horse, some of my favorite smells. There he was a very small dapple pony. He was very small, not much bigger than a very large black lab but much fatter. He looked like Pooky, the nasty pony mare from down the road. Pooky had run me into more fences than I could count. She was a typically fat naughty pony but I sure had fun the hours we spent riding her. 

He wasn’t eating. He wasn’t moving towards the people, he was just standing and staring. He was in a small fenced area on a huge pile of straw. He looked so bored. You couldn’t touch him. Just stare at him. There had to be over 20 people piled in talking about him, making noises to get his attention. Still he just stared. He looked so very sad. 

He rocked back a bit and then I noticed his feet. He had the worst case of what I always called Elf feet, that I had ever scene. He must not have ever had his tiny hooves trimmed. They were so overgrown that they curled up and he literally could rock on them. If you don’t know anything about horses, you have no idea how painful this condition is. He tried shifting his weight and adjusted his balance. I couldn’t help myself, I started to cry. I was quiet about it but the tears fell. Dad looked down at me. He felt it too. He tried talking to the man about buying the horse but the man was all about his money maker and wouldn’t hear any reasonable offers. My dad, who taught himself how to trim hooves and kept my ponies trimmed up, tried explaining to the man about the pony’s hooves. The man didn’t care. He asked my dad to stop talking about it because other people were starting to listen to my dad. 

We left, went back to the bike and rode for a while. We never ever spoke of it again. Our hearts had been broken and we knew there was nothing we could do about it. The only thing we could do was ride, in the warm summer night.So we did

http://blogs.esouthernoregon.com/southern-oregon-pets/2008/05/01/dapples-the-party-pony/

(The pony in this blog is the same color as the 'World's Smallest horse" I saw. However, as bad as his feet are, the small horse I saw actually had worse feet and was much shorter, much fatter & miserable. Heartbreaking)